I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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