census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
