I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
