I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
