someone get that fucking seahorse.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
