I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
