Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
