I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
