The maid of honor just puked.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
