Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
