just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
