You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
