the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
