Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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