remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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