you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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