atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize