we made out on top of his cat.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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