he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
