How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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