Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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