Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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