Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
