I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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