I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
