You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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