my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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