the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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