So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
