Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
