How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
