i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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