told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
