I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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