She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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