and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i think my cat just said my name.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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