You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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