she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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