I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
