Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
