You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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