Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
