Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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