I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize