remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
