My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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