Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
How's work?
Spinning.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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