so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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