Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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