I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
