Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
