i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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