We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
