im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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