Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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