thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
