This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
