my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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