So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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