I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
